Self Deception

01 May

The worst lies I've ever told, were to myself.

I justified and bent the truth because I ultimately felt like I needed to in order to prove my worth. 

I told myself for years I was sober because I was not drinking alcohol.... But I was doing other things to change the way I felt. 

Sneaky things like pills, money and food, including 5 years of being on Suboxone.  I could hide those things and still pretend I was not doing anything wrong.

 During this time I was the loudest one pointing out what other people were doing wrong, OFTEN accusing others loudly of doing the very thing I was doing. 

See if I threw you under the bus then nobody would be paying attention to me. That to me is the height of self deception. 

I was not honest with myself because I felt like if the truth was known then I was going to feel so ashamed. The irony is I felt shame anyway and I justified hurting others. 

I'm human so self deception is an ongoing battle. I'm learning that mistakes are part of this life and I DON'T EVER have to prove my worth.

 I am already worthy. I do own my mistakes and when wrong, promptly admit it and try to do what I can to make amends. 

My worth as a human is not based on the number of mistakes I make or how successful I am. 

I am alive I am already worthy. 

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